A Christmas gift of Peace....2013

As I sit hidden in my backroom behind a locked door  wrapping carefully chosen gifts for my family I have found my self struggling a bit with the Christmas spirit. As many of may know my Dad was taken from his earthly home this summer after a long illness. I miss him.... I missed his presence this fall as we harvested with out him for the first time.... I miss his advice on daily issues and the list goes on and on. The funny thing is I miss him telling me what to do !  But I want to share with you the last gift that he left me.... it is a great gift...it is the best gift any dad can give....it is the gift of PEACE.
  I have had three big moments in my life....times when God put me in a place that took my breath away and taught me to trust Him. That first GIFT was the gift of SURRENDER.......it is one of the first stories in my blog. A time when God asked me to  surrender my child to Him...tough stuff but it is when God reminded me to "be still and know that I am God"....It taught me to Trust.
   The second gift  is the gift of GRACE......now I have been taught about Grace my whole life but Grace is kind of  hard to understand. I don't think I really understood Grace until a few years ago when I could visibly  SEE it with my eyes and feel it just fill the whole room. Kate and I walked into the Sandfords Childrens hospital to see a little boy named Noah....Noah and his family had touched my heart many times but this was a big one . Noah is an awesome little boy that has had a ton of health issues his whole life and had him hospitalized many times........restricted by tubes.....numerous surgeries.....many complications and the list goes on and on. His mom and dad held his very life in her hands everyday for years. I remember walking in there and feeling surrounded by something....it was warm and made me feel like I was kinda someplace else. As Noah showed us his tubes and as we watched his mom so lovingly care for him and comfort him .....my heart tugged at my chest...it has been such a journey for this family. We made it to the parking lot and we both stuggled with tears...."Mom how do they get through that everyday?" Through my tears I took a hold of her and looked into her eyes and told her "That was GRACE !" I could see it... I could feel it.....it filled the room and it filled our hearts. What a gift ...all we have to do is ask for it ...wow.
    This last gift that I received was just this  year. It is the gift of PEACE. It was as physical and real as be handed a big boxed all beautifully wrapped for Christmas. The last months of my dads life here were mixed with difficult days as his physical health declined but it was also a time of such good things......He had wonderful conversations with all of us..... I am quite sure the Hospice room has never had so much laughter, tears and noise as we all gathered there everyday.  In those last days....dad never complained...he accepted help from us all...he cherished each day....he told me to take good care of mom... he told me over and over that mom was a good wife....he told me he was ready to die and he wasn't afraid......One time after all the kids and grandkids had been there he told me "nothing else is really important ya know"...what do you mean Dad?..." having your faith.....thats what is important...and having all your family right here". We were all gathered by his bedside as he took his last breath.... it was difficult....prolli the hardest moment in my life BUT then a PEACE consumed me... it was like dad had handed it over as he left this life. Dad had taught me how to live but then it didn't stop....he taught me how to die. He died peacefully because he SURRENDERED   .......  He was given GRACE just because he asked .......PEACE comes to those with FAITH....what a great gift....What a great gift to leave to your family...pass it on.

The Last Harvest

 In Memory Of William J Heynen.

This was written 2 years ago. Last night my Dad  breathed his last breath here on this earth……. I hadn’t published this in my blog and today it just seemed fitting to do so.  I love you Dad and thank you for teaching us all these life lessons.

The Last Harvest……………………………

I have walked beside my Dad for almost 50years………I followed him when ever he would let me. I begged to go along…to do chores… to check  sows and count new little baby pigs just born in the straw…..to feed hay to the cattle with a pitchfork piece by piece……..to go to the sale barn, lean on the fence and listen to all the men talk about prices and good western calves…to go help  the neighbors or stop along the road by a field just to check on them…..to go for a ride in the pick-up and  and hold my arm out the opened window as I made patterns  against the wind. We would check the corn or see if the alfalfa was ready to cut or bale or if the oats was ripe enough to combine. I would ask questions …. And then I would listen.

I followed him in the tool shed… I handed him tools  or brought something back to the bench…….I would bring him the grease gun and he would let me pump the handle….. he would let me drive the  tractor thru the gate teaching me just how fast to shove the clutch  ahead…… or let me ride in the back of the feeder wagon as the feed would inch towards the front ……He would put me  in the loader bucket  and lift me high in the air. I would ask questions and then I would listen.

…….. Dad and Grandpa  would sometimes just  talk about life……. They would talk about church and politics .  They  would talk about markets and how to do things or what to do next. I would kick on the dirt just like they did and then I would listen.

I would  help load hogs…eventually he would let me mark some or at least point to the ones I thought would make the weight. …. I would stand and  wave my arms  saying “whoa calves…whoa calves” as I was given a spot to stop some big steers from getting out. I would ride along with truckers in the straight truck and get to pick up the check.  Sometimes he would take me to the Canton sale barn…..he would bid on calves…. I would watch and try  to figure out who was bidding… I would ask questions and then I  would listen.

Over the years we have worked side by side……….

I chased pigs……….always keep your legs together…be smarter than the pig

I sorted cattle………….just don’t be scared of them they won’t run you over…??

I drove the tractor thru the gate…….always go slow

I drove the baler………don’t hit a hole and don’t plug it

I scooped manure………….don’t throw it into the wind

I threw bales……use your legs

I unloaded ear corn……don’t open the back gate to soon

I unloaded corn……don’t run the auger to fast

I hauled corn to town……..always make sure you can stop

I helped fix machinery……don’t get your fingers between two pieces of metal

I drove beside the silage cutter as I tried to figure out just where to be next. ……………..don’t stop suddenly

I drove beside the combine……..just don’t get to close and give me plenty of room.

 I ran the stock chopper ………..don’t turn to sharp

I backed up the  hog trailer……….just watch your mirrors…take your time

 I tried for years to back up a wagon…..I still can’t . Wait…..never say that you can’t do something.

I learned all the hand motions that go with farming….go ahead…back up….run the PTO faster……stop………go around the piece on the west side and end up between those rows over there and then I will dump….that one  I still don’t always get!

I learned about  God by watching a pig being born or digging in the newly planted cornfield and seeing  the tiny seed we planted turn in to a small sprout.  I learned about morals and values by how my dad did business and how he treated others. I learned about compassion as we would help a neighbor or a friend.

I learned about trust and and faith when he would plant the seeds in the ground. ….I have seen him look to the sky when we prayed for rain…. I have seen him dance  in the rain when God answered that prayer….. I asked questions about God….. and then I would listen.

I learned how to work…. I learned how to farm…. I learned how to value life…. I learned how to raise my family.. ….I learned to care for others…….. I learned how  to think of others and not be selfish………..I learned to trust God…….I learned to ask questions………..Most importantly I learned to listen.

I learned about loving your Dad as I watched my Dad work every day with his Dad…….. I watched their roles change and then reverse…….I saw how love isn’t always spoken out loud but how deep a love for a father is……. I saw Grandpa get weak and my dad get stronger……….. I saw my grandpa be proud of  my Dad as he took over the farm………I watched my Dad help  grandpa in to the tractor as he grew older……..I watched my dad respect grandpa ……… I watched my Dad put grandpa in a  nursing home……….I watched my Dad  bury him…………..I watched my Dad love him and then carry on the love for the land and the farm.

Dad  always led and I have always followed…………… things start to change as we all get older……..When I was little my Dad carried me,  as I got older I walked behind him…. I followed just trying to keep up……….. I watched….listened and learned.  As the years added up I have found myself walking beside my Dad…. I still watch and I still listen. I still ask why and I still learn.

It is harvest again on the farm………..Dad has aged suddenly. I feel like my role has changed some.  I feel like dad is now handing me the tools…..after all these years he is saying “take over….. I know you can do it. You have listened well”

He came down from the combine today……he checked things over. “I think this is my last harvest” he said……”you just run it a while.” I hopped up the steps of the combine……started things up. Dad gave me the wave of the hand that means “get going”…..next was the motion of  ……….“go around the corner…….followed up with “dump when you get to the back”. And then he walked away. It took me about a half a round to realize what he had just said……”I think this is my last harvest”…………NO …wait I am not sure I know how to do this… I am not ready……….I wept.

Later tonight as the guys were finishing up outside I had gotten Christian, Olivia and Danika ready for bed……..we got in the pick up and went for a little “adventure”. It was dark…..the moon was huge and the stars were all out…..we talked about God as we parked out in the field waiting for the combine to come over the hill. We opened the window to hear the sounds of the night and of harvest. “Grandma” Christian asked “ are YOU a farmer?” I got tears in my eyes………….” Yes I am” I replied. “Who teached you to be a farmer Grandma?” said Olivia

“It was my Dad”

A Valentines day.............

Grow Old with me the best it yet to be........................these words were embroidered and framed and hung in my parents home for as long as I can remember. My Mom would often use these words for different occasions. Today started as any normal day at our house.....yes it is valentines day but we are planning on going on a trip next week so decided to skip any gifts  or out for supper until next week when we are gone.
   Well Valentines Day is about "LOVE" and there is alot of hype and advertisment about gifts...relationships and finding the perfect thing for that perfect someone (usually a size 6 little chick sporting cleavage and rose or a tan buff guy wearing nothing but his boxer shorts).  I have tried  so hard to  talk to my kids about real love ,  real relationships and  life long marriage. I try to talk to them about alot of things ...sometimes they listen ....sometimes they pretend to listen and well sometimes they don't listen at all . I so want them to know what  it is to truely love someone and also to walk in the faith that their grandparents set before them. SO I didn't get roses today but I got a lesson in what love is really all about.
      Well my inner voice somehow wants to  convey to you today some real TRUE things about TRUE love. You really don't even have to listen with your ears.... you need to listen with your eyes. My kids would tell me that when they were talking and I was distracted by doing to many things as once. My eyes have told me the answer to  a real love story......as many of you know my Dad has cirrhosis of  the liver  . He got this as a side affect of a mediction he was taking. It  has slowly weakened his body...his mind  and ability to care for himself. He  rarely leaves the house and is more bed ridden every week. Sometimes he is good and gets around the house with a cane and other days he is unable to get out of bed.
      If you know my Dad you will know that HE took care of mom. He wasn't romantic (that we ever saw) He didn't send flowers or write fancy words....he didn't lavish her with fancy gifts or big trips. But there was never one second that I ever thought he didn't love her...... He was strong and tough.....he was honest and held on to strong morals and values and I never doubted his love and faith in God.....I heard it with my eyes.
     In the last few years I have seen my parents move to town....I watched my Dad hand over the everyday responsibilty of the farm to us so graciously. I watched him go from spending 12 hours a day in teh combine to riding out to the field to watch. I have watched him go from drivng his pick-up to riding along......I have watched him sit back and enjoy the grandkids discuss politics, church and wars. I have seen his heart grow soft for grandkids that aren't perfect and need to learn things the hard way. I have heard him ask about each one of us over and over and encourage eash of us in our own journey. But on this Valentines day I want to remind you what true love is.
   All You have to do is watch my mom care for my Dad.  Mom makes his favorite things to eat..sometimes she has to feed him. She helps him with his daily needs.....sometimes she has to clean up after him. She gently holds his hand or touches his leg. She walks beside him as they shufflle from bed to the table. They still can joke about things and he still teases her . Her schedule revolves around him...he knows she will be there if he calls for her. I have watched them switch roles...she now cares for him.
    Today was not a good day for them...mom called for me to help her. I did things I never thought I would or even could do for my Dad. I told him he  had to listen to me as I was helping get him into bed but we decided that he was still the "Boss". We laughed as I lifted his feet and tied his buttons. I cried with my mom as we talked of getting outside care for him or the next step of a nursing home.As I left and drove away I got that feeling where your heart gets big and goes into your throat.....you kinda figure out what real love is all about. Oliva asked me this week as I held our new little grand daughter Kwynlee in one arm and she sat on the other side..."Grandma do you still love us?'... "Grandma would never love you less...my heart just gets bigger and I love you All even more" I replied....that is true love.
    Real Love is around us everyday.....sometimes we need to look past the roses and chocolates and listen with our eyes. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I know that God walks beside us everyday promising us that the best is yet to be.